don't panic
by don't sweat the small stuff
Summary: yep, more poop.


I don't understand why it happened.

Why any of this has happened, frankly. I hate it – I'm disgusted with myself. I just – I can't _erase_ it, though – I can't erase it from my mind. I can't look in the mirror anymore; I can't look in it and not see _him_ and be reminded why I am just not a good person. I'm not a good person. And this shouldn't ever happen.

But it has, and it's happening, and it's like a never-ending war between my heart – the longing – and my brain – the reality – all the time, constantly. I feel like I am drowning because of it all, because I can't escape it – because it's _there_ and it's not stopping and I don't know how to stop it, because _Jesus_, Jesus Christ – I am in love with my twin brother, Len.

I can't – I'm _struggling_ to even see the point in _any_thing anymore, because it's so confusing and disgusting and _cra_zy, and it makes no sense. What did I do to end up this way? What did _Len_ do? Was I born like this – to think, to feel these horrible things? But if I was born this way – wouldn't Len have them too?

But then I think, _oh God Len, please, not you too_, because Len doesn't – he _can't_ – it's just not _him_. I _know_ him, and I _know _he wouldn't think such things, or believe such things, because he's alright. He's Len. He's pure and perfect and can see through anything. He doesn't _deserve_ to have the guilt and these horrid feelings. He doesn't deserve to go through all this purgatory.

I feel like, whenever I'm with him, there's this huge sign pointing to my head saying, 'I AM IN LOVE WITH MY TWIN BROTHER' in flashing lights. It's just there, hanging on my shoulders – the dreading, the anticipation, the hoping that it will eventually _stop_ and go away and that this was all just a _phase_ and completely normal. But it isn't. It isn't normal to fall in love with your sibling. It isn't normal to fall in love with your very own _twin_.

I don't know how I managed to – to fall in love with someone with the same _blood_, and _genes_, and physical appearance – I just don't know. Len is just charming, in that manner. He just looks _better_, like his genes just mixed nicer and stuff. He just has a wonderful personality, like a taunt to me, to tell me I can never be him or love him or _anything at all_. I'm just the ugly extra, the other half – the failed experiment. I'm just the darkness to the light that shines onto everyone's life.

Len is smart, and he cracks onto things quickly, unfortunately. He notices my change of attitude – how I start to withdraw myself from life in every possible way, and withdraw myself from _him_ in every possible way, and just try to make my contact with other people as minute as possible. I'm trying to make people become less acquainted with me. I'm trying to make it seem like I was never there in the first place, so that when I go, when I finally can't take it anymore and just leave everything behind – whether it's by death or if I just run away or _something_ – so they won't miss me. So they won't cry for me. I don't want people crying for someone like me, someone who doesn't even deserve to live.

But then there's Len, and I imagine never seeing him again, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I just don't know what to do anymore.

"Rin," he says one day, one day in the morning, when we're both eating breakfast with this silence I can't choose whether I enjoy or not.

I look at him, up into those sapphire orbs that reflect the same patterns present in the deep caverns of the Atlantic continent – frozen ice, sky blue and dark cerulean, intricate lines weaving in and out of each other like vines. He reaches over my shoulder to grab the salt, his arm bumping the end of my hair. I have the urge to lean into him, but I know I can't, because I'm not a good person.

"Rin," he repeats again, like he's just making sure I heard him. "Are you alright? You've been kind of… distant these past few weeks."

_More like years_, I feel like adding, but I just take a bite of my toast – which is dry and tasteless and hard to swallow. "Yeah," I say. "I've been fine." I hope he doesn't notice the rows of goose bumps slowly rising from my skin, the hairs on my arms standing on edge, as that annoying pleasure from my _twin_ starts to consume me whole.

Len hesitates, before placing a hand on the back of my neck. He leans around slightly to get face-to-face with me, and for a split second I thought he was going to kiss me, but he just states, "Are you sure? You know you can talk to me – or Mum, or anyone. We're here for you, Rin."

"I – I know. I'm fine. Thank you, Len." I look down, feeling suddenly exposed, like I'm naked. Like Len can read all my thoughts and feelings. His hand stays on my back for a few moments, as if he's waiting for me to say something else, or do something – but I don't, so he moves away and sits down at the table across from me, and we hardly speak after that.

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I get jealous, although I don't want to. And it hurts, although I don't want it to. Len is in love with Miku. And that's all there is to it.

I've known since forever that he's absolutely and positively infatuated over her, I've _known_ it – just by the way he looks at her; the way his eyes swarm with this warming affection, the way he can't get words out properly when she's around, the way he nervously fidgets with his sleeves when he sees her with other boys. And I tried to ignore it all, to tell myself I didn't care – that I _shouldn't_, he's my _brother_, but crap – _crap_, I cared more than anything. I care more than anything at all.

She takes interest in him when we're all 16. When he kind of finally reaches that stage of puberty that makes every single detail about him _sexy_ and _handsome_ and _mysterious_. We're in Science, doing a prac – Miku's in my group, and as usual, looking smart and cute and perfect in all her glory. We're friends – kind of. We sometimes talk and hang out together and things – but the friendship isn't anything _serious_, I mean, Miku's nice and is friends with everyone – so, whatever.

Miku, while she's writing down some results, kind of leans over to me and pokes my shoulder. "Hey, Rin?" she asks.

"Yeah?" I respond unhurriedly.

"Um, you know your brother…" she begins slowly, and this instantly horrified feeling washes over me. _She knows, she knows_, I begin to think, but the words that come out of her mouth are just as worse – "Um, is your brother allowed to date?"

I stare at her, hoping I just heard her incorrectly. "What?"

Miku turns a bit pink and starts to fiddle with her fingernails. She looks down, all bashful and crap. "I-is your brother allowed to date?"

I want to say, _no, no he isn't_, but that's a lie, because we're both allowed to date – Mum doesn't care, as long as no impregnating happens – but I find myself saying, "Yeah – yeah, he is. Why?"

She laughs nervously. "Oh, I just… um. I was wondering. That's all. Does he have a girlfriend?"

I feel weird, I feel _hurt_ somehow. I just feel angry, like Miku's getting on my nerves. I don't realise what I say or how bitter I say it until I look at Miku and her reaction, but it was something like – "I don't know – why don't you go ask him yourself?"

Miku's cheeks explode into red. "Oh – oh, um, y-yeah, I probably should do that… um," she splutters. "Um, thanks, Rin."

I don't reply, I just look down at my hands, suddenly feeling weak and sick in the stomach. I just blew up at her for no reason. I just – I can't – I _don't_ understand why I have to be this way. My mind tells me to apologise, and I almost go to – but in the end, I don't. The rest of our prac lesson is basically in a dead silence, and I just can't stop feeling guilty.

Miku starts appearing everywhere after that – my house with Len, the lunch table with Len and other friends, outside Len and I's lockers before and after school – basically at our goddamn doctor's appointments; she's _everywhere_. But she usually stays _away_ from me. Like she knows I'm a fire hazard or something. And I stay away from her, usually.

I know something is going on, I know Len and her have probably started _dating_ or something – but I've barely seen them in action. Like, they only just _talk_ really, and I wonder if they actually _are_ dating, or what. Of course, my suspicions are confirmed a few months after Miku starts attaching herself to my life like a limpet, when I least expect it.

So I'm late home from choir practice, and I know definitely that Miku will possibly be there with Len, doing their thing. But I don't expect to walk in during the middle of a _make out_ session – I mean seriously. I just about drop to the ground from a haemorrhage.

I enter the house and holler to the clouds above, "I'm home." – Just so they can hide the condoms or whatever – and casually look to my left into the lounge room to see, _oh_.

I kind of make that sound, too, as they both tear apart – Len is on top of Miku, all breathless and stuff, and Miku is flushed in the face, panting – and it takes a while for my mind to process the current image in front of me. A terrible feeling tears through my chest and I nearly cry directly in front of them, but somehow I manage not to, and remain standing without collapsing to the ground dead.

"Rin," Len says, very surprised, scrambling into a standing position. Miku sits up, buttoning up her school blouse, and that just kills me.

"I'm sorry," I say quickly, the words coming out slurred. I start to evacuate rather immediately, because the tears were already brimming in my eyes and almost on my cheeks. I don't know if they'd seen me crying, but all I remember is just fleeing to my room and staying there for the rest of the afternoon.

_He's your brother, he's your brother,_ I keep telling myself. _You shouldn't cry – this isn't okay. This isn't okay, Rin._ But I can't stop crying, not even until after I hear Miku leave, and I hear Len calling for me to come downstairs. I'm crying so hard yet trying to keep it low and quiet – my stomach is heaving and I feel like I'm going to be sick – but I don't. I just can't breathe. But I don't mind not being able to breathe – maybe I'll leave this world silently.

Eventually, Len gives in and Mum comes home, and he doesn't tell her anything about before because I _know_ he technically wouldn't. I know he knows I don't want her to know. Then Dad comes home, and the night continues to progress at its normal rate. Mum calls me down for dinner, and I'm hesitant, because I don't know whether I can face Len. And when I look at myself in the mirror, I see my eyes all puffy and red, and I just think, _Oh lord, what am I going to do?_

I decide to climb into bed, curl up and pretend I'm sick, despite the ferocious roaring my stomach is doing. Mum comes up after a while, taps on the door and slips in, and sits on the edge of my bed. "Rin, are you coming down for dinner?" she asks anxiously.

"No," I answer. "I'm not feeling well. Can you put some in the fridge in case I'm hungry later?"

Mum hesitates. "Okay," she says. "Do you want any Panadol?"

"No."

"Well, alright – just give me a shout if you need anything," she tells me, before standing up, slipping back out of my room and shutting the door quietly behind her.

Then Len comes up to my room later – a lot later, like, about midnight-ish. I must have fallen asleep, because I remember him shaking me awake gently and whispering, "Rin, Rin, Rin."

"What is it?" I ask tiredly, forgetting momentarily the previous events of this afternoon. I roll over and am greeted with a horrible pang of hunger in my stomach – I actually wince.

"Sorry," he apologises. "Sorry, did I sit on you?"

It takes me a further few moments, before I sit up rather quickly on realising it's _Len_, and he's sitting on my bed, and it's 12 o'clock in the morning. "What's the matter?" I question, suddenly panicked. "Why are you in here? Are Mum and Dad alright?"

Len hesitates, and my eyes start to adjust to him in the darkness – I can see the outline and roughly the features of his face, and the reflection of the street lights spewing through the window in his eyes, staring pointedly at me. "Yes – yes, they're fine – nothing's wrong. I just wanted to talk to you," he explains quietly.

"_Now?_" I squint at him, before looking over at the fluorescent numbers of my alarm clock which read 12:24. "Can't it wait until morning?" – Or at least until after I eat?

He exhales. "No – I mean, it can – but I can't," he mutters.

"Is it important? Are you dying?" I continue to ask, because I'm kind of peeved at him for waking me up. _And_ for several other reasons, I suppose.

"Yes – and no, I'm not – yet," he answers. "Can we talk? Please?"

I fall back down against my pillows and sigh loudly. "Fine, what's the matter?"

"Are you okay?" he inquires, "I mean, _seriously_, Rin – you're acting really weird. Is everything alright? Are you being bullied at school? Have I done anything wrong?"

I let the questions sink into the silence a little bit, as I piece up the reality of the situation we're in at the moment – Len's in my room in the middle of the night, I'm in love with him, and he's asking if I'm okay.

What do I say?

"Oh, I don't know, I kind of cried today because I saw you kissing Miku – and by the way, I'm in love with you, despite being your twin sister and all – can you still accept me for who I am?"

Or, "I'm fine, Len. I'm just having a moment. Go back to bed."

I gather I've left it too long, because Len leans forward and shakes me again. "Rin?"

"I'm awake," I say immediately and he leans back into a normal position. "Everything's fine, Len. I'm not being bullied or anything like that. I'm just suffering from PMS, that's all. Stop worrying about me."

"Then why were you crying all afternoon?" he asks gently, "I could hear you – in your room. You were crying."

Was I _really_ that loud? I stay quiet, trying to search for some reason or something – but I'm still half asleep, so I can't think of any good reason. I start to panic – does this mean I have to tell Len I was crying about Miku and him? Does this mean I have to explain that I love him more than I should? I really feel like I should die and I'm hoping the ceiling would cave in and crush me to death. But it doesn't. Instead I just start crying again, because I'm so scared.

Len moves towards me in the darkness, leaning down to wrap his arms around my shoulders. "Rin," he whispers. "Rin, it's okay. Don't cry." He brings his fingers through my hair gently, hugging me close to his chest. He strokes the top of my hand softly. "Hey, shh, don't cry, Rin. It's going to be okay. Don't cry."

But the thing is, it's _not_ going to be okay and it will _never_ be okay. These feelings are horrible and I can't stop them and I don't know why they're here but they just _are_, and I'm not a good person, and I can't do anything about it.

I don't realise I say that aloud until Len pulls away to look at me – even though he probably can't see me – and asks, "What feelings? You're a good person, Rin – don't say that. What can't you do anything about?"

"_Love_," I whisper, in this weak and hideous hoarse voice. "I love someone I _shouldn't_ and I can't do anything about it because the feelings won't freaking go away."

Len's quiet for a while, like he's thinking. "Who?" he questions, a strange tone in his voice. I don't take much notice of it, though.

"I don't – I don't want to say," I murmur.

"Is it a girl?" he then asks, with the same tone as before.

I shake my head, before realising he probably can't see me doing that. "No – no, it's definitely a guy. It's a guy."

He falls into that contemplative silence again, and it's weird, because Len isn't usually like this. "Will you tell me, Rin? Please?"

"No. Why do you want to know so much? It's none of your business," I snap unintentionally. I feel guilty after I speak, though, so I mutter, "Sorry."

Len stands upright and sighs awkwardly. "No. No, you're right – it's none of my business. Sorry for bothering you, Rin. I just – I don't like seeing you sad. But always remember I'm there for you, okay?"

"Okay," I agree, and he mumbles a goodnight before leaving the room.

I just want to know – would he be there for me even if he knew how I felt for him?

And as I'm drifting off into a dreamless, uneventful sleep, I think, _Probably not_.

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Months pass and life is uneventful as it is, and I find I'm just falling deeper into this depression that I feel I can't get out of, like I'm stuck at the bottom of this pit that you can never see the opening of. Len gets busy with Miku, and he stops bothering me as much. And I hope the feelings go away, and sometimes I think they do, but whenever I see him hugging or kissing or holding hands with Miku at school, they are still there and it hurts and I can't look at them.

Once, Len offered to drag me along on this 'double date' with one of Miku's guy friends and Miku, and I just couldn't bear it. I said no. He kept asking, though. "Are you sure you don't want to come?" he'd interrogate, and I'd be all like, "Haven't I answered no to that question six times already?" And he'd get upset and tell me he's just trying to help me out, and I'd be like, "I don't need help with my love life, Len. When the time comes, I'll find someone on my own." And then we'd argue a bit, before I'd get annoyed and walk off. I just feel like we aren't as close anymore – we just don't get along anymore. And that makes me sad.

I notice Len and Miku haven't been talking or hanging out together lately, though. I think they've had a fight or something. Len has been less chirpy, too. He slams a lot of doors, actually. He doesn't talk much, either. I think he was crying the other day, on Monday, when I came home from band practice. I remember him being tucked up on the couch watching the television, and I remember hearing this heart wrenching sob come from the couch as I walked past. I didn't ask if he was alright, though. I can't counsel people, especially sad people, and I don't think my lame attempts would be able to help him feel any better.

I come home on Friday afternoon, after choir practice once again, and Len is on the couch again, tucked up, watching TV. I can't tell whether he's crying, but he looks up when I walk past and his eyes have the proof that he has. "Rin, come here," he mumbles, patting the empty space beside him.

I drop my bag on the ground and walk over. "What's up, Len?" I ask, sitting on the couch. I'm nervous; I can't really look at his face.

He pulls me into a hug, one where he buries his head into the top of my head. "I just don't know what to do with myself, Rin," he tells me softly. "I don't understand these things. Am I a bad person?"

"No," I reply. "You're not a bad person, Len. You're a good person. Why? Why do you think that?" He smells like the kiwi fruit body wash we have in the shower, and faintly of aftershave and lynx deodorant. Smells I'm usually acquainted with. Smells I've missed.

He sobs a bit, sniffing. "I'm just – I'm having a disagreement with Miku. We haven't been getting along lately – and, the things she said kind of hurt."

"What did she say?" I wonder aloud, and he pulls back to wipe his face.

"Just – things. Like, I'm weird – and things like that," he debriefs. "I mean, I know I'm not exactly normal, but she didn't say those things _nicely_. And – and I'm just confused about other things, too." Len looks down at his legs, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He sighs. "Look, I'm sorry for randomly pulling you into this and stuff – I just needed to talk to someone about it. I feel I can only talk about these things with, um, you." He fidgets, fingers playing with the hem of his shirt.

"No," I say. "It's okay. I understand. It's better to talk about it, Len." I try to give him a smile, but I don't have much happiness to show, so it's rather forced. I never do have any happiness or anything when Len talks about Miku.

Len smiles back, the corners of his eyes creasing. "Thanks, Rin." He reaches over and touches the top of my head, just briefly, before drawing back hastily.

I stand and grab my bag and walk to the kitchen door, but I stop before going in. I look at Len over my shoulder. "Len?" I call.

Len glances over at me. "Mm?"

"Do you love Miku?" I don't know what makes me ask this, but I regret asking it afterwards.

He hesitates. And he looks down at his hands in his lap, biting his lip. "I-I guess," he assumes quietly.

"Okay," I say, and I tell myself that I'm not going to cry, because I should know this already. But when I walk into the kitchen, I realise I am.

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_um so this is just going to sit here, like the other still-awaiting-to-be-updated story I have - to save the birds. but I am not as worried with updating this. because it was a whim story. and um, it's very, very similar to to save the birds - almost? minus some small things._

_the original story (first draft-thing) is like, 13 pages long and over 9,000 words? I cut out this part because past this part it's basically word vomit, since Rin's all like 'OH NO I'M GOING TO STAB MYSELF OOPS LEN SAW IT I HAVE TO TELL HIM I WANT TO RAPE HIM OH LOOK LEN IS WEIRD HE'S KISSING ME BUT HE DOESN'T LIKE ME BECAUSE MY BRAIN SAID SO AND NOW WE'RE RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME (SPOILER ALERT: THE TRAIN BLOWS UP! AND WE DIE)'. hahahaha so I was like "Nopenopenopenope," and deleted that part and kept this._

_JUST A QUESTION: HOW DO YOU ACTUALLY MAKE A LEGITIMATE SERIOUS AND ANGST-IFIED INCESTUOUS FANFICTION HAVE A HAPPY ENDING? I can only come to conclusions to kill characters. NOT THAT I WILL ACTUALLY DO THAT! I mean, I'm trying to brainstorm ways... but the only complete incestuous things I have read are those oneshots where it's like "I love my bro but I no I cant but I will still tel him I luv him OH LEWK WE R KISSING -the end-" and um... the Flowers of Evil manhwa. and like, IF YOU'VE READ THAT, YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND WHERE I'M COMING FROM ABOUT THE LATTER ISSUE ABOUT HAPPY ENDINGS.**  
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_I'm going to ask inconsiderately, PLS REVIEW BECUS WAFFLES. now don't review because I asked k._


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